Warning: Guilt May Be Hazardous to Your Health    

By Marcia Blau, LCSW

Whether it was shmeared on a Sunday bagel or served neatly with a communion wafer, most of us have had an ample taste of guilt. In our Judeo/Christian culture, guilt is a relatively prominent theme. And as with most things psychological, it is dangerous when taken in large doses.

The range of guilt feelings runs the gamut from being simply annoying to a version that is emotionally crippling. In my own family, I was the recipient of both extremes, especially during my teen years.

One of my Jewish grandmothers was only an amateurish guilt provoker. Upon hearing that I chose to go on a date instead of attending a family dinner, she tried her best to manipulate. “You’d rather be with some boy than with your own grandparents?” she nudged. Her attempt was so transparent, it had little impact.

My other Jewish grandmother, the rigid Romanian one, was a guilt trip professional. She left her imprint by warning me that I would feel guilty when she died, because I didn’t visit her enough. Two weeks later she passed away, and I was hurled into a horrifying, guilt-driven depression.

At its best, a healthy dose of guilt can help someone gain discipline or become more ethical. But at an unhealthy level, guilt can push an individual into an excruciating inner conflict between being true to oneself, and wanting to please someone else. This emotional tug-of-war can render deep feelings of unworthiness, depression, and fear of abandonment.

As a psychotherapist, I have witnessed the torturous struggles many have with guilt.  And I noticed that there is often a correlation between a person’s religious orientation and the manner in which guilt is experienced.

For instance, there is a particular loss of self-confidence that goes along with Jewish guilt. The attempt to hold onto oneself in the face of familial disapproval is at the center of this battle. The guilty party has hurt someone and “should at least feel bad” as a means of atonement.

Christians, especially Catholics, tend to be plagued with shame alongside their guilt. That can be even more damaging. People raised in Catholic homes are likely to be taught to focus on other people’s needs. They learn that it is “selfish” to look inward. As adults, they often lack an ability to recognize their own wants.

Even Buddhists, who are more prone to containing feelings, have their own brand of guilt.  They talk about this “negative, paralyzing emotion” that stems from a non-acceptance of oneself. For them, repentance is the only way out.

With all the Hail Marys and self-recriminations, how do we stop the pain from whirling around our psyches?

The first step out of guilt is to recognize it. Most of us are habitual in our behavior.  We move through life repeating the same actions, and reactions.  Stopping to notice that you are not happy with the way things are is the beginning of changing this pattern.

Next, take the time to look at the person who is provoking your guilt. Do you want to comply with this person’s requests? Ask yourself whether you actually feel wrong about your participation in a given situation or if you have bought someone else’s interpretation.   Are you feeling resentful?   Resentment is an emotion that often accompanies guilt.

The more you understand about a situation, the less vulnerable you will be to accepting guilt.

By the time I reached my 20s, I realized that my remaining Jewish grandmother was an insatiable woman. No matter what I did for her, she continued to be dissatisfied. This was a liberating realization. Since my efforts would never please her anyway, I decided to do what felt right to me. The result was that her dissatisfaction no longer provoked my guilt.

On occasion you may feel guilty about something you do or feel. That is part of human nature. But it is important to let that feeling run its course. Loving yourself unconditionally is about learning to forgive yourself. So whatever you’ve done, acknowledge it, make amends, perhaps choose to not repeat it…and then simply let it go.

© Marcia Blau